Tales of the Parodyverse

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Nitz the Bloody
Sat Sep 11, 2004 at 01:28:49 am EDT
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Nitz the Bloody Summer Special #10: Disney Gonna Sue Me!
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Nitz the Bloody Summer Special 10
By Neil Kapit

Note: This chapter is in no way meant as a slight against Trickshot, just a demonstration of how Nitz manages to antagonize everyone that tries to help him out. I happen to respect archery-based heroes greatly.

Fire rains upon the city as the djinni J’afarrg dances in the sky. He cackles twistedly as flames fall from his body. Below him, people run back and forth, trying desperately to escape the burning terrain around them. However, two of those people are capable of fighting back.

“ HAILEKU! “ Nitz the Bloody shouts from the ground. Long, sharp icicles fall above J’afarrg, intended to pierce his skin. All they do is melt on his burning skin. He laughs, “ I am undefeatable! I am laughing at your pitiful efforts! “

“ Pitiful, eh, “ Nats mutters, and rockets upwards towards the malevolent djinni. He tries to use his telekinetically enhanced strength to punch out the genie. When he punches, all he hits is a red wind. That wind wraps around him, and materializes a large red hand, swatting him downward. Nats barely manages to break his fall, hovering only a foot above the ground.

“ Got any other bright ideas? “ Nitz asks.

“ Call the Lair Legion, “ Nats explains. “ But they’re out on duty in Norway. Looks like it’s just us.... “

” There’s ALWAYS Lair Legionnaires on reserve, Nats. Have you forgotten? “

Behind the two supernatural beings and their girlfriends are two majestic figures; one clad in green chain mail wielding a bow, the other wearing a long cape and a Oakland Raiders baseball cap. They are Carl Bastion and Jay Boaz, better known to the world as...

“ Trickshot! Hatman! Where are the other Legionnaires? “

” Fighting Abstractas in Norway, “ Hatman explains. “ It’s taking most of the team to fight him. “

” La-dee-@#$%in’-da, “ Nitz shouts, “ This is it! The Mighty Lair Legion, limited to a chump with some hats and a guy with an outdated weapon? “

” Hey, “ Trickshot snaps, “ Who you callin’ outdated, boy? “

” Well excuuuse me if I think that bows and arrows are best left to, you know, the Middle Ages? “

” Hey, it’s higher tech than that club you’re holdin’. “

“ This club is magical, dammit! It’s more magic than those stupid trick arrows of yours! “

” Ahem, “ Hatman coughs. “ We still have a giant, angry genie to deal with. Do we know what we’re up against? “

” Something unstoppable, “ Nitz explains. “ My spells, Nats’ strength, and Joan’s lasers haven’t worked. “

Hatman looks at the red-haired young woman in the black dress, whose left hand is replaced by a silver cannon. “ Lasers? What are you....? “

” She’s a robot, “ Nats explains.

“ Oh, “ Nitz grumbles, “ Do you have to tell EVERYBODY?! “. Shortly afterwards he realized that he had inadvertantly revealed his girlfriend's true nature himself, and he shuts up promptly.

Trickshot raises an eyebrow behind his mask. “ Your girlfriend’s a robot? That explains a lot.... “

” Not important, “ Hatman explains, diverting the focus. “ I don’t think any of my trademark hats will work, unless..... “ He looks at Nitz. “ Unless I try yours. “

” My helmet? “ Nitz asks. “ What the hell do you need that for? “

“ My powers rely on the headgear I wear, “ the Capped Crusader clairifies. “ I wonder what kind of abilities I could get from yours. “

” My helmet? But it’s my costume! My face! I’m not gonna.... “

” Just give him the damn hat! “ Trickshot shouts. Nitz removes his helmet and hands it to Hatman, revealing his pimple-scarred face and unkempt, unwashed hair. He covers his face with his hands as Hatman removes his cap and places the steel helmet atop his head.

“ Whoa, “ Hatman sputters. Arcane knowledge flows through his mind, as he is connected to the entirety of the Zeku dimension and the very Earth itself. Words dance around his head, from “ Absorbeku “ to “ Zapeku “. His mind feels like an entire galaxy spiralling out of the stem of his brain.

“ So what now? “ Trickshot asks impetuously. “ What are you gonna do? “ J’afarrg continues to fly above the area, soaring away from the Lair Legion and Nitz onwards to larger, colder parts of Parodopolis. His laugh trails off in the distance.

“ Do something, “ Nats shouts, “ He’s getting away! “

” A.....a......a.... “

” AFFLICTEKU! “

“ No, “ Nitz screams, “ Not that! “

One word, and the djinni plummets to the earth, landing on his head. But he is not stopped; rather, he is twitching on the ground, spasmodically waving his arms and legs as he screams at the top of whatever respiratory system a genie has. The screams sound disturbingly human.

The Lair Legion rush over to the felled genie. Trickshot pulls out an arrow and points it downward at J’afarrg defensively. The djinni raises his arm, but his fingers are shaking as his palm lowers.

“ What did I just do to him? “ Hatman wonders anxiously.

“ That was one of my forbidden spells, “ Nitz puffs. “ I’d never use something that bad, not even on my worst enemies! “

“ I am begging no more! “ the djinni cries. “ I am vanquished! I am defeated! I am surrendering in my suffering? “

” How can we be sure you’ll stay down? “ Trickshot demands.

“ I am granting one of you a wish out of good faith! “ The djinni explains.

“ DIBS! “ Nitz screams at the top of his lungs. Nobody contests him. He turns to Joan.

“ Joan, “ he says, “ This is our chance! This is our chance to make you a real woman! “

” I thought I was real, “ Joan states.

“ I mean human. “

” And I thought I was human, too. I have mused much on the subject over the past few days. And I refuse your offer. “

” What? “

” You have said yourself that I am human. Others have called me a mere machine. In order to appease those people I would accept your offer and become organic, but I would be giving up a part of myself. I would be giving in to my oppressors, to become what they want. And I would sacrifice my integrity in doing so. “

She continues. ” What it means to be human is to have integrity and ideals. I have the integrity of my basic nature and the ideals to be the best woman I can. That makes me human. Not a matter of biology, but a manner of spirit. “

Nitz freezes up, his eyes and mouth wide open. He does not respond to any questions asked of him.

” Ok, “ Hatman explains, “ I wish that you never hurt another person. “

” I am granting your wish! I am telling you good-bye! “ The djinni dematerializes into a red wind and blows away. With the wind the fires across the city are blown out, leaving the city blackenned but not destroyed.

“ Well, that was an easy end, “ Nats states. “ Now if you’ll excuse us, we have a double date to get back to. I vote we get ice cream, the parlor doesn’t seem to be burnt down. “

” Best idea I have heard all day, “ Joan beams. “ Uhuna, will you be joining us? “

” After all that fire, “ Uhuna smiles, “ I could use something cold. Let’s go, shall we? “

The two women walk towards the parlor, smiling and chatting with eachother. Nats turns to join them, but sees Nitz staying behind, still with his mouth gaping open. Hatman has given him his helmet back, but it stays in his hand, Nitz having not even bothered to put it back on his head.

“ Nitz, “ Nats asks, “ You comin’? “

“ Nats, “ he whispers, “ Can I talk to you for a second? “

” Uhh, sure. “ They walk into an alleyway, away from the two Legionnaires and the two young women.

“ My god, “ Nitz states. “ She’s....Joan’s....she’s....really human. “

” You seem to have a very fishy definition of human. “

” Didn’t you hear her @#$%ing speech? She’s real. She’s independent. She’s a true woman. And....and.... “

” And? “

” And I’m gonna ask her to marry me. “

NEXT: Nitz pops the question.



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